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-Louis MacNiece

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* * *
I am still working on my resolutions – I really work on them all year long. I realized last year that they are perpetually in draft form which doesn’t get in the way of me working on them and keeps them fresh and vital all year long.

I moved over the holidays from one state to another as well as one job to another which has left me feeling a little disconnected and insubstantial. I left two of my kids in the other state – they are young adults, not kids, but still. They are my babies regardless of age.

My employer has a very rich and robust intranet with all of the customary business related data as well as a lot of more employee focused, not necessarily business related features. One of the articles up this week is focused around New Year’s Resolutions. It has some pointers that you would expect, check your finances, get in shape, track your performance with an eye toward the mid and year end reviews, but there are also a couple of points that made me sit back and think Wow. I really like the company I work for. I know there are underlying reasons – happier employees equal more productivity, yadda, yadda. I get that Mr. Employer is not more concerned about me than about the health of the company. But still. They don’t have to include things like this on the intranet, either. Take a look at these, taken verbatim, but not credited due to privacy concerns.

• Try to be a better listener. Whether at home or at work, listening is a gift you can give that costs you nothing. Listening does not involve solving the other person's dilemma - that's their job. When offering support by listening actively you can give family and friends just what they need to approach their own concerns in a new way.

• Reach out to your elderly relatives. They may covet their independence - but still need your help. Open a conversation aimed at finding out what kinds of assistance they might need and would accept. Even simple things like help with lawn-care or shoveling snow can be a good first step.

• For those with young children, try to take the words "Hurry up" out of your vocabulary. Sit yourself down and strategize ways to make your morning and bedtime routines a little slower and saner. Your kids will thank you.

• Consider volunteer work. There is certainly no shortage of need in the world - resolve to do your part to make the world a better place. If you choose a volunteer activity like helping rehab a home for the homeless, or coaching a baseball team, you get the benefit of adding exercise as you help the world.

So, for my 2009 Resolutions as they are right now:

1. Write. Just write. Write something. A poem, journal, scenes, a break out novel, a song, a prayer… write!
2. Work on a richer financial plan
3. Get back to a size where I am comfortable in my clothes
4. Exercise weekly - options
1. Walks with Leah
2. wii fit (but more than just slalom skiing and the soccer ball head butting thing)
3. A Yoga class
4. Salsa dancing
5. Learn to play tennis with Sammie
5. Reengage in life
6. Find a church
7. Volunteer -ideas
1. Reservation
2. Soup kitchen or food pantry
3. JDRF or ADA
4. Voting precinct
8. Laugh out loud every day
9. Hug my monsters several times a day

And thanks to the employer:

10. Work to be a better listener
11. Eliminate “hurry up”, sighs, any passive aggressive communication of a hurry up emotion from every morning
12. Reach out to Great Grandma and Great Grandpa. They may not need much from me but more and better company and I can provide that readily enough – just have to do it.
Current Location:
home in my little office
Current Mood:
tired tired
Current Music:
Jason Mraz
* * *
The time for resolutions will be upon us in no time.  It's always a surprise when New Year's day arrives immediately after the mad rush of the holidays.  One New Years I am little more than exhausted, hardly ready to leap into a whole new me.  So I decided to pull out my resolutions from last year and keep them in front of me for the next several weeks.  Maybe I can modify, adjust, tweak and improve them so they are ready to go for New Years this time.
 

2008 Resolutions....

  1. Write a scene a week - absolute bare minimum
  2. "Attend" the Crusie/Mayer online class
  3. Save toward a Barbara Samuel class
  4. Get back to a size where I am comfortable in my clothes
  5. Exercise weekly - options
    1. Walks with Leah
    2. Back to Lifetime
    3. A Yoga class
    4. Salsa dancing
    5. DDR :-)
    6. The purple ball
    7. ....
  6. Reengage in life
  7. Find a church
  8. Work toward a finished initial draft by the end of 2007
  9. Volunteer -ideas
    1. Reservation
    2. Soup kitchen, although I am not sure I am comfortable going into sop kitchen areas of Detroit
    3. JDRF or ADA
    4. Voting precinct
  10. Laugh out loud every day
  11. Hug my monsters several times a day
Still a WIP.... is there a deadline for finalizing resolutions?

 

Originally posted on autumnjournal.vox.com

Current Location:
home
Current Mood:
sad sad
Current Music:
Sanders Bohlke
* * *
I have a new WIP dancing around the edges of my mind, playing hide-and-seek with the girls in the basement. I created this wordle this morning from the first paragraph and I live it!

Current Location:
shhh
Current Mood:
hopeful hopeful
Current Music:
Across the Universe soundtrack
* * *

Your result for The Fashion Style Test...

Glamorous Soul

31% Flamboyance, 53% Originality, 71% Deliberateness, 61% Sexiness

[Tasteful Original Deliberate Sexy]



You choose your outfits carefully according to many criteria. You don't like looking cheap, dull or random and you go to great lengths to avoid this. You are successful, too. People admire your taste and sex appeal. Many try to imitate you but not many can recreate your unique style. Sometimes, however, they find you too intimidating to approach. If you don't wear retro style yet, perhaps you should consider it. It would become greatly your sexy, mysterious self.


The opposite style from yours is Fashion Enemy [Flamboyant Conventional Random Prissy].




All the categories: Librarian Sporty Hottie Office Master Uptown Girl/ Boy Brainy Student Movie Star Fashionista Glamorous Soul Fashion Enemy Bar Cruiser Kid Next Door Sex Bomb Hippie Kid Fashion Rebel Fashion Artist Catwalk God(ess)

Take The Fashion Style Test at HelloQuizzy

Current Location:
shhh
Current Mood:
silly silly
Current Music:
Soundtrack from "Goodnight and Goodluck"
* * *

Removed a couple of ugly shrubs and a dear little red Japanese looking tree that just didn’t fit in with my plan. Planted two low growing red rose bushes, a higher shrub white rose and two yellow with pink climbing roses along with some low growing purple annuals and some… hm, forgot the name. The purple sage I planted last year against the house is also coming back in. Got the rest of the old leaves cleaned out… cut back and tamed some of the berries… baby steps.

* * *

Removed a couple of ugly shrubs and a dear little red Japanese looking tree that just didn’t fit in with my plan. Planted two low growing red rose bushes, a higher shrub white rose and two yellow with pink climbing roses along with some low growing purple annuals and some… hm, forgot the name. The purple sage I planted last year against the house is also coming back in. Got the rest of the old leaves cleaned out… cut back and tamed some of the berries… baby steps.

* * *
Last night as I drove home from work I listened to NPR’s “All Things Considered” as I do almost every night. I joined the broadcast already in the midst of a story from Dujiangyan, a city in China devastated by the recent earthquake. 

Melissa Block’s voice came through my radio speakers, quiet, subdued and often shaking with emotion. Two people, a couple, a young man in his early thirties and a young woman in her mid-twenties were frantically seeking help to locate their two year old son and his grandparents who were in their apartment when the earthquake hit on Monday morning. It had been two days and no one had yet searched the building rubble. 

The loss of this family and so many others was brought home so clearly, far more clearly than any other story I have seen or heard. The simplicity, the sparseness, the pauses, the quaver in Melissa Block’s voice accompanied by the sounds of the heavy machinery and the frantic, raw voices of the grieving family are crushing, stabbing, aching. So many losses these days, in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan; the ongoing violence in Israel, Palestine, Lebanon; the unbelievable losses in Burma’s cyclone. I don’t know anymore how to process these great, grievous losses to these individuals, families, nations and all of us who share this world. 

I ache for all of us and I fear the impact and effect of despair. I am a great believer in strength through adversity. I am one of the people who find they are at their best, accomplish more and greater things when challenged, when my back is against the wall. But sometimes the ache is such that you can do no more than curl in on yourself, cling to your loved ones if you are lucky enough to still have them. And pray. 
Current Location:
home
Current Mood:
sad sad
Current Music:
Damien Rice
* * *
* * *

Gakked from: http://fashionista-35.livejournal.com/

Instructions: Open up your iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarrassing the responses might be.

Okay, but I just had a total hard drive loss, so the answers to these questions would have been substantially different four weeks ago.


How many songs total: 928
How many hours or days of music: 2.9

Most recently played: “The DaVinci Code”, but that’s an audiobook so I don’t think it really counts.  “Easy Silence” by the Dixie Chicks
Most played: “Saving Grace” by Everlast
Most recently added: “Not Alone” Patty Griffin

Sort by song title
First Song: “Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive” Johnny Mercer
Last Song: “9 Crimes” Damien Rice

Sort by time
Shortest Song: “Is Everybody Here” Walela
Longest Song: “Part 6: Attack of the Evil Twin Robot” Suzanne Brockmann – but again, it’s an audiobook, so really it would be “Sleep Don’t Weep” Damien Rice


Sort by album
First album: “Adorate Deum – Gregorian Chants”

Last album: “9" Damien Rice

First song that comes up on Shuffle: “Broken Arrow” Rod Stewart

Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death – 1 – “Death of Falstaff”
Life – 37

Love - 80
Hate - 4
You – 167

Sex - 2

Tags: , ,
Current Location:
work... shhh... on my lunch
Current Mood:
tired tired
Current Music:
Rescue by Lucinda Williams
* * *

When I was in high school in the mid-eighties I had a fabulously diverse group of friends who, to this day, remain as enchanted almost magical characters in the story of my life.  When I get lost or deeply blue or begin feeling that I have somehow missed the point those people – my people – come back to me and remind me that I too was a magical faerie princess once who lived in an enchanted kingdom and was charming and intelligent and artistic and made people happy.

About a year ago I came home from a Saturday wandering with a record player.  One of those quaint reproductions in a wooden housing with vintage-look knobs and switches and speakers.  Since then I stop at garage sales and antique malls and thrift stores snatching up all of the records from my youth that I sold at my own garage sale years and years ago.  While I haven’t found Prince’s Purple Rain or Madonna’s Borderline yet I have found lots of older records.

Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass (which I LOVE)
Harry Belafonte
Dan Fogelberg
Simon and Garfunkel
Helen Reddy
The Music Man
My Fair Lady
Grease
Annie
ABBA

And yesterday I found Neil Diamond’s Love at the Greek and Stones both of which are albums played in my childhood home nearly every weekend. 

Lucas, one of those magical friends from high school fell in love with another of our group (a phenomenon which happened with startling frequency.  We were quite in-bred our group).  That year, and for many years after, Secily became known as Chelsea.  As in ~

“I woke up it was a Chelsea morning
And the first thing that I knew
There was milk and toast and honey
And a bowl of oranges too
And the light poured in like butterscotch
And stuck to all my senses”

I know it isn’t cool to like Neil Diamond these days, and definitely not at my age – my parents maybe, but a forty year old should not be a Neil Diamond fan.  But what fantastic poets that generation created!

“Won’t you stay
We’ll put on the day
And wear it ‘til the night comes”

And how wonderful that an ultra-cool surfer dude in 1985 was inspired by and sang a Neil Diamond song to the girl who made him feel like a morning with “milk and toast and honey and a bowl of oranges, too…”

Isn’t it amazing how a song can bring back an entire period in your life including scents and tastes and emotions?

Current Location:
on the couch
Current Mood:
nostalgic nostalgic
Current Music:
Neil Diamond - duh
* * *

This has been an odd week for me, kind of a time-out-of-time, or almost suspended animation. You know those special effects in movies when the whole world freezes and the hero or heroine moves through the frozen tableau? It feels like that a little bit. On Monday I begin a new job; one I have been very excited about, but the month long notice and full court press (including heavy, heavy guilt trips) from my current employer to convince me to stay has taken some of the shine off of the expectation and high hopes. In fact, I am feeling rather melancholy this week.

The two “big kids” (I can’t believe they still let me get away with calling them that. B, the oldest is 19 and C is a senior in high school and will be 18 in less than a month.) are in Kentucky with friends on a farm – how fun that must be? The girls are staying in the Carriage House and B is staying the main house with the other adults. So, it’s just the “little one” S (15, I know, I know, not so little. In fact she is taller than I am…), me and Leah Maya the dog. For a house that is usually bursting with teenagers it has been too quite for me to be comfortable. Tonight S has some friends over and Guitar Hero is rattling the windows and all is right with the world.

We went to the grocery store and bought junk food and then signed up at Blockbuster for the first time in years and years. Sam and I sat on the couch feeding Leah Fritos and watching the Nanny Diaries which I had read and Sam had listened to. It was good. Then Leah and I took a walk – cold, but dry and so, so beautiful. Look at the great colors of fallen leaves and green moss layered with snow! We hadn’t been back in the house for more than five minutes when the snow started coming down. I stood on my porch and watched it snow and felt… okay. But I am still suspended in time and not sure how to break out of this bubble.

I know that I am lonely. It’s the holidays and I have no sweet man to share it with. And I am leaving some really great friends when I leave my job. And my grandmother passed away only a couple of months ago. And my kids are growing up… ah me. I am clearly feeling sorry for myself. How unattractive and destructive!

So, I will share these pictures here, pour a glass of red wine and watch last night’s Private Practice. Oh! And it’s time for wishes and dreams and goals and … a list of guilty pleasures! And Jennifer Crusie’s List of Indulgences! Lots to think about and lists to make… I am feeling better already! Where is that new moleskine…?


Current Location:
home
Current Mood:
melancholy melancholy
Current Music:
guitar hero....
* * *
I absolutely adore Barbara Samuel’s writings in all their forms. I read her blog religiously. Today http://awriterafoot.typepad.com/a_writer_afoot/2007/12/contemplation-w.html

This time of year is filled with visits and letters and cards, emails and phone calls. But there are always those people we miss at this time of year; that we aren’t in touch with for one reason or another.
Death – my grandmother passed away just a couple of months ago. She had been ill with a blood cancer for five years, so there really wasn’t any surprise to her passing but it hurts. Mary Jean Ledbetter Schlottman is one of the people I am missing in this contemplative time. She taught me to believe in my creativity and my gifts. She showed me how to live my faith and helped me to constantly try to be the best me I can be.

My grandpa Bud (Ernest Melvin English) has been gone for several years now, but sometimes I can hear his voice as I come down the stairs in the morning, or smell the tobacco in his rough wool shirt as he hugs me. He was the best story teller and lived such a colorful life. I learned from him that a hard life gives you character and an easy life has no richness. His colorful, completely not politically correct sayings pop into my mind regularly. He lived. And I miss him. No digital pictures of him. I will scan some for future reference.

My first nephew, too, Patrick DeFreitas would be 18 now had he lived past 6 months. Who would he have been?

I miss Jerry Dominguez and I worry about him every day. He is in Iraq doing things most of us would refuse to do and helping to keep our young marines safe. The last time I talked to him he sounded lonely and homesick and tired of being someplace so scary. He would like to be home with his lady and his small son and his amazing, beautiful daughter LeAndra.

I miss old friends …. Roshell, Matt, Allison, Geoff, Jenny, Secily, Kiti and Alice, Jen, Rick and Tim. So much time and distance. I am even, in this slightly melancholy mood, missing some of the kids who have made this house a home for a few days, or months or years. Some of them have been out of my daily life so long I don’t have digital pictures of them either. Lots of scanning in my future!





Current Location:
home
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
Current Music:
Wild Horses
* * *

This was the summer of love at our house. The house teemed with teenagers from fourteen to nineteen and although only three of them were actually mine biologically speaking all of these kids are mine and I love them dearly. I have worked hard over the years to ensure that our house is where everyone gathers. The door opens and closes all day and, nearly, all night. I never know how many people will be here when I wake in the morning and have learned to cook for an always uncertain number of mouths at breakfast and dinner.

Watching these young people falling in and out of love has brought back all of the urgent, desperate joy and pain – and lust – of young love. The people who roll their eyes and refer to “puppy love” in disparaging tones make me nuts. They’re too young; okay, maybe. They don’t even know what love is; oh, please. Love at this age isn’t “real love”; are you kidding? Think back for a moment on the defining moments in your life. How many of them happened between the years of say, twelve and twenty-five? I am not talking about the big promotion and the wedding day or the birth of a child. I am talking about other, visceral, emotional moments you never get over. wedding or the birth of a child. I am talking about the emotional, visceral defining moments.

The moment you realized it really wasn’t worth it to sacrifice your virginity for the curiosity, or the desperate fear of being alone and unloved.

The moment you learned how little popularity or coolness had to do with how you feel about another person.

The moment you learned what the word betrayal really meant, or that hormones are potent, mind altering drugs or that you are desirable (or not) just as you are.

The emotions wrapped up in young love are so immediate and all consuming. Everything – every thought, word, song, slight, gift and mood are desperately important and meaningful. Being in love as a teen is like walking around naked, with no skin and a see-through head. These young people are so transparent and so vulnerable and they care so much. Is this real love I am witnessing, yes ma’am, there is nothing more real. Will it last a lifetime? In a way it will, yes. I have watched the couples build and fall apart for the last six months and I know with all the certainty in my being that when these kids are forty they will hear a song, or catch a scent, or see a movie, or the curve of a cheek on a stranger and they will be here again, in this house, with the love of their young life. Their experiences now and the lessons they are learning with these loves will serve them for the rest of their lives. Scary, exhilarating thought, isn’t it?

My young loves have been woven into every stage in my life. During my marriage I would flash on a moment with a love from my youth. Man I learned a lot from those boys. From Matt I learned that obsession does not equal love. Not obsession in the creepy way, but Matt was so cool and so charming and well, hot. I wanted him. And I wanted to belong to him. Maybe that more than anything else. I wanted to belong to him. That was a bit destructive. But now, more than twenty years later he is still someone I really like a lot. I love his writing and his creativity and the amazing father he has become. That passionate, intense young man has become a richly textured man I am proud to call a friend. From David I learned that no matter how much you like someone and enjoy their company and intellectually recognize their beauty and how “right” it would be if the passion isn’t there you can’t manufacture it. No sparkle, no zazz. But goodness, on paper WOW, what a perfect young man. And from the other David I learned how it feels to be ashamed of yourself and how hurtful it is to use someone just to fill the emptiness. Being alone isn’t so bad.

I continue to learn from loves – my ex-husband has taught me so much about what it means to be a family and a friend and what responsibility really is and how hard it is sometimes to not still be – at forty – the spoiled child you were at seventeen. From that man I never should have loved I learned what sacrifice and duty feel like.

Young love is powerful and awe inspiring and frightening and searingly painful and heartbreakingly beautiful.

And real.

Current Location:
home
Current Mood:
hopeful hopeful
Current Music:
Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"
* * *

I don’t have forty-things yet. I don’t need all of them to be meaningful and deep. The frivolous things we do and want to do are often more insightful than our “deep” to-do’s which, I am afraid, are often more about defining how we want to be viewed.


I am doing 27 things

I want to...
  1. get in touch with people I have lost touch with 101 people
  2. Be published 325 people
  3. Take ballroom dancing lessons 193 people
  4. finish college 2298 people
  5. Travel to Mexico 61 people
  6. Stop being so afraid.... 41 people
  7. Live Out Loud! 26 people
  8. Find my soulmate 2476 people
  9. Write 1028 people
  10. Save... for emergencies... for retirement 1 person
  11. Volunteer more 855 people
  12. Clean out my attic 18 people
  13. plant a fantastic garden 1 person
  14. take walks 14 people
  15. expand my reading selections from what's "safe" and comfortable 1 person
  16. explore woman-magic 1 person
  17. eat well every day 3 people
  18. worship on my knees 1 person
  19. dance every day 50 people
  20. belly laugh 4 people
  21. be comfortable with my body again 1 person
  22. make somebody's eyes light up by walking into the room 1 person
  23. kiss passionately 11 people
  24. paint my kitchen 56 people
  25. go home for fiesta 1 person
  26. get up a half hour earlier 1 person
  27. make a descansos 1 person
Tags:
Current Location:
home
Current Mood:
thoughtful thoughtful
Current Music:
Tim McGraw's "Please Remember Me"
* * *

This I believe…

I believe in the value of extended families.  My family has more than its share of characters and strong personalities.  We have colorful, struggling family members and blue suited conservative family members.  We have republicans and democrats who sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together and who name each other in their wills and as potential guardians of their precious children.  We have drug addicts and artists, attorneys and CPA’s, scientists and general contractors.  Some of our family members live in homes worth half a million dollars.  Others live in trailer parks.

When we are gathered in the living room of one or another of us all are equally loved and valued.  Those who are struggling or who are lost find hope and wisdom and opportunities that wouldn’t normally be afforded them.  Those who are proud or arrogant the other 364 days of the year sit on the floor, holding a drink in their hand discussing vacation bible school memories and the merits of porcupine meatballs or tater-tot casserole.

In a family class and wealth are irrelevant.  A cousin earning barely more than minimum wage at a portrait studio breaks bread with a cousin working in the pharmaceutical industry earning well into six figures.  Our struggles as parents are collective.  Our experiences in growing in, or losing, our faith are universal.  Our growth in self-knowledge is not dependant on wealth or education.  Our willingness and participation in caring for our aging parents and grandparents – and in our very lucky family, great-grandparents is decidedly not linked to income or social status.

The next generations are free of their parents’ social standing and succeed and fail on their own merits, just as we have.  The youthful faces, streaked with tears who were the pall-bearers of at my grandmother’s funeral were a mixed bag of amazing young men.  Fathers at 15 and active artists and future business men who spoke with my grandmother, their great grandmother, of faith, and loss and the future before she died.  These young men, my extended family, are people I am proud to know and that I am proud to be related to.  Young people who stop their busy lives to spend a day grieving with their family for a woman four generations removed are blessings to us all. 

In an extended family the burdens are shared across many and the blessings are also shared in staggeringly generous ways.  In an extended family the idea of what’s mine is ours is inherent.  When a family member passes, or when a new child is born the family comes together to bring those who are far away into the fold.  In an extended family neither time nor distance are important.  It doesn’t matter if you live next door or a thousand miles away.  It doesn’t matter if you spoke this morning or six months ago.  In an extended family you belong, always and everywhere.  In an extended family you are loved, you love; you are accepted and you accept; you provide wisdom, or you gather it in; you carry a burden or you share one.

I believe that extended families are the great gift we all share.  The beautiful, aged faces and hands of our grandparents, great grandparents, aunts and uncles guide and sustain us and the generations who follow.  In my family we have experienced the miracle of five generations sharing a holiday and we have experienced the devastating, earth shaking grief when one of our family are lost.  We lean on each other, we count on each other both for strength when we need it and for laughter, meals, company and the every day, common requirements of this life; participating in each other’s children’s fund raising activities, filling the audiences at school plays, writing letters of reference , filling the mailboxes at holiday time and providing that common security that not only do we belong, and are we loved, but that we always have many, many people standing behind us, believing in us and cheering us on no matter where life takes us.

Tags:
Current Location:
Home
Current Mood:
thankful thankful
Current Music:
Native
* * *
I have lost me in recent years. I appreciate the fact that my adult life has not been easy. I have said before and I firmly believe that I am a better person now than I was as a very young woman. I appreciate so much and take so much less for granted at this point in my life. Which is good.

But I am lost. I know some basic truths about me:
  • I am a writer and I want to be a storyteller
  • I have a deep and abiding faith
  • I have a sensuous nature ~ I feel and taste and breath in my world
  • I am a mother, daughter, granddaughter and niece and I was once a wife and likely will be again
  • I am friends with my ex-husband, the father of my children and I am inordinately proud of that
  • I love making a home for my family although I have not always been proud of my accomplishments in this role
  • I am a  good employee, but do not want to be one forever
  • I curl in on myself and exist instead of living when I am blue (now)
  • I have been lonely much of my adult life because I am afraid
  • I am TIRED of existing and being afraid!
I am ready to take steps, cautious as they may be.
  • Get up! - No more hibernating
  • Plant
  • Fix something every single week
  • Write every single day
    • Voice Class
    • Story
    • Blog
    • Journal
  • Be creative in additional ways
    • Cook
    • Sew
    • Play with media
    • Practice the piano and the guitar
  • Stop the stress eating (she types while reaching for the soft, warn sugar cookie lying on a plate beside the computer)
  • Move!
Tags: , ,
Current Location:
Home desk
Current Mood:
discontent discontent
Current Music:
All the Pretty Little Ponies
* * *
"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes - only sooner."
~ Talullah Bankhead

Remember to value the richness of the tapestry that is you. You would not be as deep or multi-faceted or as wise without the lines around your eyes and the bruises on your soul.

Tags:

Current Location:
my office
Current Mood:
thankful thankful
Current Music:
The Story of M
* * *
I spoke with my Grandmother this week.  She is 86 and blind and so very lonely.  She called to tell me that Carmen, her best friend of 65 years had died last week and she felt bad because she was feeling sorry for herself.  But that's what grief is, I think.  If we have Faith then we aren't sad for the person who has passed, we are sad for ourselves.  We are lonely and we don't have our compatriot to talk to and laugh with, we no longer have our kindred spirit to lean on - we grieve.

My momma told me that Grandma has been dreaming of a nearly bare branch with the last couple of leaves slowing falling off and twirling to the ground.

And I sat in the bath that night and cried and cried and cried.  I am not ready to let her go.  I am not ready for a world without my Grandma Hazel.  Yes, I know that I will be forty years old this year, but I am not ready.  My mother and my grandmother and my aunt have such a gift of oral storytelling.  There is a pattern and a lilt to their voices that I love more than almost any other sound.  I can listen to them tell the same story for the hundredth time and love it for the laughter and the tears and the message and the sound flowing against my ears.  We are losing that.  I am a storyteller, but I tell my stories on paper, with the written word, not the spoken word.  I don't have that gift, and I don't think many of my generation do.  The oral tradition has been with us for many, many hundreds of years and we are losing it so quickly with the advent of electronic communication.  I so rarely even receive anything handwritten any more - email, not traditional old-fashioned post.

I miss it.  And I miss her before she is even gone.  I am dropping my coins in my savings jar so I can travel back out to California and see her this spring or summer, but I know there won't be many more springs or summers with her.  But who knows, maybe we have a few more years.  She may yet be a great-great-grandmother before she leaves us.  I love that thought, but I am no where near ready to be a grandmother.

Current Location:
my desk
Current Mood:
Blue Blue
Current Music:
God and Me - Terri Clark
* * *

So far....
.
.
.

The Old Wine Shades (delightful as all Richard Jury novels are - like walking back into a pub filled with old friends)
Charlie all Night
All Mortal Flesh (Oh man, what a great read.  This was not social enrichment or educational or any other lofty goal.  This book was an emotionally wrenching twisting mystery involving people you have come to care about over previous books.  It hurt to watch them all fall apart.)


Update: 2/12/07 - Lady Luck's Map of Vegas - Barbara Samuel - This story had me from the throat from the first few pages.  The women in her books are always so real it is almost embarrassing to be reading their stories.  I loved and wanted to shake both India and Eldora continuously.  One of the gifts Barbara Samuel gives us is the recognition that horribly flawed women are still lovable and valuable and their lives, despite many, many wrong turns as worth something.

Tags:
Current Location:
Watching the snow fall down... finally!
Current Mood:
stressed stressed
Current Music:
Whiskey Lullabye - Alison Kraus & Brad Paisley
* * *
Not a single creative word has been written in 2007.  How sad.

Why do I do that?

Tags:

Current Location:
watching the ice fall out my tiny narrow office window
Current Mood:
morose morose
Current Music:
Theme Songs playlist
* * *

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